Emptiness
Sometimes I feel like I’m feeling because I think I’m supposed to be feeling something.
I wonder if the reason why I can’t be in a good mood or have energy is simply because I’m too lazy to motivate myself into doing these things. I think this a lot.
I’m scared that I’m leaning on the word “depression” too much. Now that I’m comfortable thinking of myself as a person who suffers depression, it’s like I’ve given myself permission to stop pretending and just let it go.
I’m not very good at self-care when it comes to sleeping enough. Maybe if I found it within me to go to bed at a certain time instead of losing myself in a book, phone game, twitter, facebook, a tv show … I would find myself happier. But why would I give up these safe places? Going to bed means that one must eventually wake up and face the next day. I suppose I’m just trying to avoid tomorrow because I’m scared that one day, I’ll find that too many tomorrows have passed me by and I won’t have done anything useful or meaningful. I will have floated through years and decades without being present in my present.
All I know is that sometimes, I would rather be anywhere else but here.
